Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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