So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize