After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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