i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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