My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
