Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
