i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
