You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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