The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
