This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
