he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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