I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
