Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
