And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
