Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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