Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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