I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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