please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
