maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
