Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
