Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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