I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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