clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
