I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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