My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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