Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm really busy with my period
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