You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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