I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
