Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
