I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
