Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
