Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
