Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
