He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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