Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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