so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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