Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
