i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I didn't shave. On purpose
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
