I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
