Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
