it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
