she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
