I faked an abortion last night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
