Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
