if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
