the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
