I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
