She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
