My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
