Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
