I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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