you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
